Smiling With Scoliosis

We all take pleasure in reminiscing the past. Well, there I was, plopped down comfortably, doing just that. Perhaps it is just a typical attribute of our Human nature to have a preference for the melancholic and the gloomy, because while I was recalling the incidents of my past, my mind wandered off to that portion of my memories which I prefer keeping locked away. I do not enjoy digging it up because those are the memories that I wish to not only avoid but also forget.

However, for some inexplicable reason, I made a decision and came to the conclusion that instead of running away from these certain memories and dreading the mere recollection of them, I should try to accept them as a reality and whole-heartedly embrace them.

I remember when I was younger, I was always the odd one out. I was just different one way or another. Girls liked to discuss weddings and jewelry, while I enjoyed talking about animals and other topics that were far from being girly. Even as a child, the majority of my friends were boys because I always got along better with them than I did with the girls. I was not only different because I was a tomboy, I was different physically, too.

I have a condition called Scoliosis. I do not like to say “I ‘suffer’ from a ‘disease’ called Scoliosis” because once you ascribe these two words with yourself, it grants the opportunity to a sense of self-pity to latch on to you, and with that kind of a weak and pessimistic outlook on life, an ailment can not only get the best of you physically, rather mentally, too.

Scoliosis is a congenital disorder which results in the curvature of the spine. Naturally, due to the spine being curved (S-shaped) multiple issues could arise because the internal organs are literally under pressure and clustered up. Truth be told, despite the fact that I have come to terms with the reality of my condition, however, elaborating on the harmful effects it could have never exactly ceases to give me the jitters.

Along with Scoliosis, I also have another condition called “Arthrogryposis”, which is the fixation of the joints. (In my case, my legs.) That explains why people usually ask me why I walk in a peculiar way; My own way. I walk with a limp because I am unable to fully flex my legs and also because the muscles of my left leg are shorter in comparison to those of my right leg. Due to this condition, I also face difficulty sitting on low surfaces and am unable to sit cross-legged.

Now that I have presented a basic introduction to Scoliosis and Arthrogryposis, I would like to resume my walk down the memory lane.

Even till this present day, I can so vividly recall the time when I was at school and two people started ridiculing me. They made fun of the way I walk, called me rude names, had a good laugh and scuttled away. Although I do not hold it against them today and nor do I bear them any ill will, however, there is no doubt in the fact that what was merely a case of sheer tomfoolery (and downright stupidity) for them, for me it turned out to be one of the worst cases of bullying I was ever subjected to.

I remember I used to wake up from my sleep all of a sudden because I used to have nightmares of people mocking me and calling me names, and it took a long time for these nightmares to fortunately cease recurring at long last. The aforementioned incident is merely one among the umpteen number of times I have been a victim of bullying as a child.

Much to our ill fortune, what we fail to comprehend is that what may appear to be harmless fun to us could actually take a serious toll on the person we’re making fun of.

Before you give in to the temptation of ridiculing a person with a physical or mental problem (If you are actually base enough to even be tempted to do such a thing in the first place), just give the following queries a moment of thought; Does putting someone else down place you on a higher pedestal than them? Does making someone else feel terrible about themself make you feel good about yourself? And if your children happen to have a physical or a mental issue, how would you feel if people treated them the way you treated the last kid you just bullied? Think about these questions and if you have even an iota of intelligence, better sense will prevail.

Furthermore, there is also another memory that I would like to shine some light upon.
I had a relative who, like me, also had Scoliosis. Unfortunately, she passed away and although the cause of her demise was not Scoliosis, however, she died young, unwell and with Scoliosis. I hope she is in a far better place today and enjoying eternal peace.

Well, I was having dinner one night when her brother paid us a visit. After exchanging pleasantries, he made a remark that left me sobbing uncontrollably afterwards. He said when he looked at me from behind, I looked just like his sister. Now don’t get me wrong, I was not hurt because he thought I resembled his sister. She was one of the sweetest people I knew and I loved her.

To be quite frank, I myself cannot comprehend exactly what the cause for my sorrow was, but if I am to observe the entire incident today, I guess I broke down because I always had this secret fear of getting killed by Scoliosis.

I am utterly confused because as I mentioned above, the cause of her demise was not Scoliosis but since she faced multiple issues because of it, it gave me a fright. Of course, I could not be nearly as devastated by her death as her own family was but due to us both having Scoliosis, her death and the life she had lived affected me in a way it could never affect anyone else.

What really hurts me is the fact that while a person with Scoliosis appears to be perfectly normal on the outside, on the inside they have to tolerate a constant amount of physical pain which initially refuses to leave them and when it finally does, it comes back pretty soon.

However, in my opinion and according to my personal experiences, what gets me down in the dumps is that Scoliosis hasn’t just caused my physical health to deteriorate, it has taken a toll on my mental wellbeing, too.

A true paradox for me is that at times when I’m feeling blue, I share my worries with my dearest mother but at the same time I also feel awful about telling her the problems I face or the pain that I am in because I am aware that my pain affects her greatly and therefore I don’t like to dampen her spirits.
But I also have no other choice because I know darn well that if I were to keep everything inside (most of which I do) I would risk psychosis. After all, there is only so much one can bear.

Moving on, I have yet another memory that I would like to narrate.
I was once watching television and an advertisement regarding “Polio Vaccines” came on.
In it they showed a father and his little adolescent son who was wheelchair-bound. In the advertisement the father stressed on the importance of administering the Polio vaccine to children by saying, “Please, vaccinate your kids against Polio or they will end up like mine. (Gesturing towards the child on the wheelchair.)”

My eyes were fixed on the facial expressions of the child and to say that it left me feeling absolutely terrible would be an understatement.
The way that child was portrayed as an example of pity and a lost cause was enough to make my blood boil. And the way he had that innocent, timid smile plastered across his face like someone who has accepted their fate was truly heart wrenching.

It is appalling to see that instead of giving people with special needs the hope and motivation they deserve, they are presented to the society merely as some objects who are to garner people’s sympathy.

Also, I think it is very annoying and silly how people with special needs are referred to as “Special”. I understand that people may do it out of goodness of heart or so that we don’t “feel bad” but trust me, we are ordinary people just like the rest of you and calling us “special” only makes it awkward for us and further stresses on the fact that we are challenged.

The only thing that makes us different from you is that God Presented us with a challenge because He only Chooses His strongest people to fight the hardest battles.
So, the next time you see someone struggling with crutches, politely offer them a hand but don’t make a big deal of it.

Although I do not claim that I underwent a radical alteration and accepted my condition with open arms, however, with the passage of time I have learnt to live with it.
I admit that in the deepest darkest corners of my heart, a perpetual fear of Scoliosis does exist and there are times when I feel so morose that I just want to shut everyone out.

But living with Scoliosis has had its fair share of positive impacts on my life, too.
For starters, it made me a whole lot more confident. I am not gloating but I have been told that despite the fact that I am physically challenged, I turn out to astonish people by being even more confident than those who enjoy perfect physical health.

Any physically challenged individual reading this should know that we are not to be pitied or empathized with. We are an example of hope, perseverance and confidence to society and the world at large. And most of all, we must never give in to the temptation of indulging in self pity. We are as able and capable of achieving all that people without physical challenges can achieve, if not more.

On an ending note, I am well aware that I shall still come across days where I will have the blues. I know that I will still cross paths with people who will try to poke fun at the way I walk or the curve in my spine. And I admit that one of my most ardent desires is to have the good fortune of living to see the day that a cure for Scoliosis is finally found.
But certain things have changed now and they have changed for the better.

The blues will not get the best of me because I have learnt that every cloud has a silver lining. The people who will try to ridicule me will fail to make even a hint of difference in my life because I have learnt that those who try to bring us down are already below us – Dogs bark but caravans pass by. And although I wish to be cured of Scoliosis, if it is not possible then I am at peace with it because I have learnt to live, I have learnt to love and I have learnt to smile with Scoliosis.